The Collection (2012)

Over the past few years, I’ve developed many a crush on many a beautiful starlet.  I can say without fear of contradiction or regret, Emma Fitzpatrick is the perfect deaf scream queen.  She plays the heroine in this magical pile of Hollywood excrement and is the only redeeming quality to this massacre of ideas.  Granted, the German shepherds didn’t suck and pulled off their parts pretty well.  But between the dogs and her, yeah, I’m sure that’s where the worthwhile stops.

A mad man murders entire parties full of people with Saw/Jigsaw-esque devices and from each of those crime scenes, he kidnaps one of the few victims left alive, to torture and experiment on.  Of course, that’s not enough plot for the genius that wrote this garbage.  So, when The Collector’s experiments fail, he staples a replica Phantom Of The Opera mask on them and injects them with enough uppers that they turn into zombie type creatures that are hellbent on destruction.  Or is it because zombies sell tickets these days?  Also, OF COURSE HIS EXPERIMENTS ARE GOING TO FAIL!  HE’S WORKING WITH CRUDE TOOLS IN A HOTEL!  But, of course, he doesn’t realize he’s not an evil mastermind that’s skilled with machinery and genetic research and martial arts and engineering.

Look.  Emma Fitzpatrick is hot.  And short hair on a woman?  Yes please.  But making a movie mash-up of all of the top grossing horror films of the past ten years might be the worst idea ever.  Casting Emma was the only thing they did right.  And there weren’t a single set of boobs in this whole thing.  Well, living boobs, I should say.  You can’t have an alchemical filmmaker’s wet dream without a set of tits.

Don’t see this.  Don’t feed the machine that runs on remakes and “original” ideas that plagiarise worthwhile movies.  Don’t talk about this movie.  Don’t ask about this movie.  Pirate it if you wanna see it.  Buy it from the black dude bootlegging movies down the street from where you get your morning coffee and watch it in the privacy of your own home and then toss that disc in the microwave when you realize I’m right.

Final Grade: No.  No.  No.

(Emma, if you read this, I don’t hate you.  But think we should probably go on a date to discuss what you were thinking when you agreed to take this role.  And yes, I expect a dry hump at the end of the date.)

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Smiley (2012)

As it turns out, uhm, 4Chan has made its movie debut in the worst possible way.  Yeah, I know, I saw We Are Legion and loved every second of it.  But that was a documentary that showed the rise of Anonymous.  This movie, Smiley, just rapes everything that the lol-loving nerds over on the /b board hold dear.

Imagine if you will, a couple of buddies trolling the interwebs for boobs and end up on ChatRoulette, hoping to screen cap some nips and bush.  While all of this is going on, Candyman is playing on a TV in the background.  One of them leans back from the laptop’s webcam and takes a hit off of some sort of mind altering substance.  He stretches and stares longingly into the middle distance.  That scenario is where this film came from.  That moment of staring off into space birthed this atrocity.

Smiley, our emoji look-a-like killer, is an entity made up of all of the evils of the internet.  Where all the gross and nasty and deranged places on the world wide web take form for one purpose, to murder.  It’s summoned by douche nozzles and a pair of anon sluts who happen to type “i did it for the lulz” three times into a video chat window.  If you do this, and believe in the power of Smiley, well, you get to see the legend himself pop out of the shadows and shove a knife through your victim’s chest.

Yep.  That’s Smiley.  And that’s how I wasted an evening.  Not even a pair of boobs in the whole thing.  I feel cheated and I’m almost positive that movie is the composite of all the evil on the internet.

Final Grade: lolbbqroflcoptertrexjew.

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Killer Joe (2011)

Holy.  Shit.

I don’t know that this would be considered a horror film by anyone other than me.  But, this is my blog, and it made me feel the same ways horror films make me feel, so kiss my ass, I’m reviewing it here.

I can’t tell you much about this movie other than the fact I think you should watch it.  Like, now.  And watch it with people who don’t suck and will be able to have a discussion with you afterwards about it.  There are some scenes that I don’t know anyone could sit through alone just because of how disturbing they are.

Granted, like I said, it’s probably not horror.  It’s more of a twisted heist flick than anything else, but some of the stuff in this is terrifying.  I’ve never felt more uncomfortable than I did when watching this.  Adam and I sort of stared at each other with jaws on the floor when the credits rolled and then took showers to wash the experience off.  Separate showers, mind you.

And there are boobs.  Lots of them.

Final Grade: A-.

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Dahmer (2002)

After watching the new Bourne film, I’ve developed a bit of a man crush on Mr. Renner.  He’s a beast and a damn fine actor.  So, when I checked him IMDB and saw the fact he played ultra twisted serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, well, ol’ Ry Bear had to see that.

Now, I realize most people who’ve taken the time to watch this all the way through, I’m assuming with the help of some cocaine, Adderal, or a five hour energy to stay away, you’re asking why I’m reviewing this here.  You’re asking why I’m reviewing an obvious drama in a blog devoted to shitty horror movies.  Well, I think I can put this simply… IT’S ABOUT JEFFREY FUCKING DAHMER.  There’s not much that has walked this planet that’s more terrifying than a closeted homosensual with a taste for turning people into toys and hor d’oeuvre.

But yeah.  It was a drama.  I read nothing about the movie and went ahead and downloaded it and watched it immediately.  I was expecting gore and drills and butt sex and dinner.  Instead, I got an emotional look at the situations that created the most evil person to have lived in Wisconsin.  Yeah, going into it thinking I’d see intense and disturbing images left me feeling a little bit left down when it focused on his early life and what led him to be the monster he was.  But damn did they do a fine job with it.

If you’re in the mood for a bio flick that poses some pretty challenging questions and has some hardcore man-on-man cuddling, I can’t recommend this highly enough.  If you’re looking for Jeffrey Dahmer banging an asian boy’s eye socket while snacking on some cannibal trail mix, this isn’t for you.

Final Grade: B

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6 Degrees Of Hell (2012)

Hey, did you realize Corey Feldman was still alive?  That’s right!  Everyone’s least favorite Frog brother is still alive and kicking.  He’s also still a terrible actor and more of a cinematic joke than anything else.

That’s pretty much all I have to say about this movie.  I’m one of, maybe, four people who wasted their time watching this convoluted mess.  And I don’t wanna give it too much press, lest others decide to shit away an hour and a half of their lives.

Side note: young Hollywood types, uhm, maybe read the script before agreeing to it?  Jeremy Renner is a star now because he chose Dahmer instead of shit like this.  Remember that.

Final Grade: Not worth the time.

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Sinister (2012)

Yeah yeah yeah.  I haven’t written in ages.  I know.  And from the looks of things, some of you still check this thing every day in hopes of a shitty new review of a shitty movie.  Oh, how I love thee.  Have no fear, my weird internet friends, I have been watching a slew of terrible movies and will be posting quite a few reviews over the next few days.  We’ll call it a Christmas present or some trash like that.

We’re jumping off with one of the strangest movies I’ve seen recently.  By no means was Sinister good.  Don’t hear me say that through this review.  What it was great at doing was making you feel like something was about to happen.  In every horror film, there’s that one camera angle that puts you on edge and makes you think, “Something bad is about to happen.”  Derrickson did a miraculous job of shooting the entire film to give the viewer that feeling.  Almost every shot is off-center enough that it has you on edge, looking at every corner of the screen, waiting for the bad man to jump out.

The bad man is an ancient demon named Bughuul, which Vincent D’Onofrio explains via a shitty Skype connection.  If you could imagine Jeffrey Star as a goth kid from the MySpace heyday, you’ve got our too cute ne’er-do-well.  He lives in images and if you’re unlucky enough to see him, well, you’re effed.  There’s a few nifty twists in his terrible kill scenes, but he lacks any real depth or reason to fear him.  After watching it, I still zoomed in on nudes and outdoor photographs without fear of seeing an ICP reject lurking in the background.

So, clever filming and terrible demons aside, how was the movie?  Awful.  According to my roommate, it’s less about the demon and more about Ethan Hawke’s character’s struggle to regain the fame he once had as an author.  The lengths that he was willing to go to, what he was willing to put his family through, all in the name of becoming a literary legend once more.  I don’t buy it.  There’s no one doing horror these days with that sort of mental character or emotional depth.  Overall, if you turn the sound off, receive oral from a significant other, and play Angry Birds while this plays in the background, I’d imagine this wouldn’t be too bad of a movie.  If you pay attention to it, well, count on wanting your money and two hours back.

Final Grade: C+.

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The Possession (2012)

I do believe, at this point, it should go without saying that I will watch anything that Sam Raimi’s name is tied to.  Whether that be an awful rom-com or the most violent and gore laden horror flick.  Likewise, my dick gets all jumpy and semi-hard over anything related to the occult.  So, obviously, I’m gonna see The Possession on opening night.  Even more obvious than that, I’m gonna love every last second of it.

To set the mood, there’s a They’ve Shot Flanigan concert going down at a bar I absolutely hate in my town.  I’m going to the show because they are one of the most badass rock and roll bands around, minus Supertramp and REO, but I digress.  My roommate and I decide that we’re gonna grab some dinner and see the movie prior to the show.  My night was made at the theater.  A threesome, I’m assuming they all met on Craigslist, showed up and talked through most of the film.  That was, at least, until one of the women decided to yell out, in a very pivotal scene, “You fucking pussy.”  She left shortly thereafter.

There were some low points to the film, it did drag a bit and allow you to catch your breath.  But there was this awesome mix of music and overhead shots that made everything feel incredibly epic.  I hate that word and people who overuse it, but this movie spans 26 days, 26 very long and stressful and scary days, I’m sure.  So, this trickery of film and sound pushed the story forward and left you with a real sense of dread.  Also, my roommate and I are the type of mature adults who giggled every time the little girl asked her daddy not to touch her box.  Box.  Tehe.

Alas, there were no boobs.  Just the two “ladies” from the threesome’s exposed guts and a gaggle of squawking college kids.  But despite that and, my biggest turn off for a movie of this nature, seeing the demon, this movie fired on every cylinder for me.  It took all of my favorite moments from demon possession movies and twisted them to made them just a bit creepier and quite a bit more fun.  No, it didn’t scare the shit out of me quite like The Exorcist did, but I am more than alright with being able to sleep tonight.  Added to all the awesomeness this movie possessed (get it?!), it stole the demons from those pesky kid touchin’ Catholics, and gave them to the Jews.

Final Grade:  Thank God for the Jews.

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The Human Centipede: The First Sequence (2009) & Full Sequence (2011)

The two most deranged films I have ever had the pleasure of watching.  I watched them individually as they came out, and then again as a pair a short time ago.  I’ll freely admit, I watched them back to back while sitting in a bathtub feeling like my skin was on fire from radiation therapy.  That’s right, I’m crying and in pain, so, let’s watch total absurdity to make myself feel better.

If you’ve never heard of either of these films, well, you’ve probably just bought your first computer and are on the internet for the very first time.  I’d like to personally thank you for making this the first site you visit, and offer you one piece of advice, nothing is free and girls in your area do not want to have sex with you.

These films took the horror world by storm.  I remember church groups protesting the fact that these had been made, and a very happy director talking about where this idea came from.  What you’ve got is a film about a mad scientist who surgically combines three people.  Ass to mouth.  That way, the first is forced to eat, they, in turn, shit into the middle’s mouth, who shit’s the shit into the last in the chain’s mouth.  Now, let’s be honest, the head of that line is the place to be.

Then, in the second film, a full-blown obese retard who was sexually assaulted as a child, sees the first one and decides he can recreate it, only bigger.  He’s also the same guy who masturbates using sandpaper and busts one on his own face while giggling.  Rather creepy, yes.  But, he sort of succeeds where the mad scientist fails using duct tape, quite a bit of laxatives, and a staple gun.  A truly remarkable feat for this savant.

Yes, the films are disgusting.  But, if you have a sense of humor, you understand they are supposed to be funny as well.  This isn’t some comment on society or a satyr on the status of consumerism in the world.  It’s simply good old-fashioned gore and a deranged mind roaming free.  Will I watch this many times over the course of my life, absolutely not.  They may get another play or two over the next few years, and when the third is released, I may watch the trilogy in its entirety, but for the most part, I won’t ever think of these two movies again.

Final Grade: Baby Stompin’ Fun.

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The Cabin In The Woods (2011)

Alright, we’ll keep this simple.  I haven’t posted in quite some time because I was diagnosed with cancer, was treated for said cancer, and then went through a break up.  None of those things are rather conducive to wanting to watch shitty horror films and write about them for my amusement and the amusement of others.  Needless to say, I’m back and better than ever…ish.

It would stand to reason then, that I come back with a post that showcases my new all time favorite horror film.  I know, I openly mock modern horror and have little faith in those in the genre.  But, first time director Goddard, co-writes one of the greatest scripts ever and then films it so brilliantly, I am damn near speechless.

For my nerd friends, think American Gods meets The Evil Dead and then takes a left turn somewhere near Crazy Town.  That’s this movie in a nutshell.  Essentially, a shadowy organization has made a pact with the gods of old to give them five sacrifices.  The human sacrifices choose how they die based on a series of items hidden in the basement of an old cabin.  Once the item is chosen, out of sheer curiosity, all hell breaks loose.

The greatest part of the movie is to see all of the monsters that could have been chosen.  The Hellraiser type to the mermen to the ballerina (I’m assuming from Asian lore) to the little girl from The Ring.  It’s truly mind-blowing how well blended the monster myths blend in this movie in the strangest way.  They don’t discuss where these stories come from, but you can see pieces of your childhood fears lurking in almost every corner of the facility that houses these monsters.

This film was perfectly written and perfectly executed.  Plus, there’s boobs.

Final Grade: Flawless.

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Alien Origin (2012)

What I believe to be the conversation that took place prior to this movie being written and filmed:

“Dude, this weed is really kick ass.”

“Oh, I know, bro.”

“Wasn’t it awesome how we raped that girl last night?”

“Totally, bro.”

“Yeah, we should do that to a movie, you know?”

“Like, put our dicks in the hole in the middle of the DVD?”

“No, bro, like, force something no one wants into the masses because we wanna do it.”

“Can we do like a ‘found footage’ type film because everyone hates those.”

“Totally, bro.  Also, let’s rip off the idea of Prometheus, because every one wants to see that and some idiots are gonna think this is it.”

“Word.”

“And we could probably get this in the last 8 or 12 Blockbusters that are left.”

“Awesome, bro.  Now, let’s smoke some more weed and drink some Bud Light and find some dumb broad we can tag team.”

Final Grade: Suckfest 2k12.

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